Following on from my BDSM post a few days ago, I wanted to go into more detail about safety, consent and boundaries especially in relation to BDSM with a new lover or a long-term partner. So, let’s discuss.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is used to describe sex that can be split into these major groups: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. It was always seen as being taboo or kinky but is more popular with many people trying it out for the first time by seeking partners online such as dominatrix near me or other kinks which take their fancy.
Consent and safety is important when practicing sex, but even more so with something like BDSM and meeting potential partners online. Boundaries is something which is a big part of the work that I do as a Life Coach, so allow me to go into more detail.
Firstly it’s important to do your research. There are many forms of BDSM such as femdom dating, so it’s essential to be clear about what you are comfortable with in order to communicate that clearly with a potential lover or current partner.
Setting boundaries from the start is important, for example which sexual terms are you ok with in the bedroom. Another thing to consider is the use of a safe word which allows you to communicate when you’ve reached your limit or very close to reaching your limit. These can be verbal or non-verbal. For example, verbal could be saying a certain colour with red being a popular choice for “stop!”
Non-verbal ones could be 3 taps on your partner’s body part or stomping your foot.
Most importantly is consent which should be given throughout. Just because your partner is ok with one form of BDSM doesn’t mean they’re ok with a different one, so always ask for consent. Avoiding alcohol and drugs is key in order for you both to communicate clearly, and it’s impossible to give consent if you’re intoxicated. It also avoids any potential misunderstandings in regards to your partner accidentally breaking your boundaries.
Make sure that you both check in with each other at regular intervals but most importantly at the end. Were you both happy, did you give consent?
Was there anything that you weren’t ok with, or did your partner ignore your safe word? How do you feel physically and mentally. Having a self-care toolkit is a good option for afterwards and could include items like arnica tablets for bruising, a relaxing massage oil, a mini first aid kit for any cuts or scratches and water for staying hydrated.
Most importantly is to practice safe sex, whatever that means to you. For example birth control, condoms or knowing where to get the morning after pill if required.
No matter how long you’ve been with your partner or how well you think you know them, you still need to be safe when practicing some forms of BDSM. Hopefully my guide has given you the confidence to be clear and concise.